Sometimes it's tiring.

This morning, after cleaning out, feeding and watering our chickens and Quail in the pouring rain (poor birds), I came back in for a coffee and sitting beside Cindi, I asked her how she was. She looked at me and quietly said, "I'm tired of being sick." So hard to hear those words and know that although we are half way there, we still have 6 1/2 weeks to go and 4 more treatments. And from the look in her eyes, I can see that this is hard! Yes, it is tiring for my beautiful wife to manage simple things like food when she is nauseous or getting through the day spending time reading or watching a favorite show when just months before she had a demanding job and schedule and a vibrant schedule. It's tiring wondering what people think of you when you have no hair and look "different". It all takes a toll. Ever feel this way? Ever feel like you're not in control of things and it drains you of all your energy and joy? Ever try to wish away the trials that you're in? I do. We all do. Problem is that they never seem to magically disappear when you want them to. But...they do pass.

However, in the midst of the "tiredness" there are moments of wonderful comfort! Silly friends drop by with silly gifts and words of comfort and stories of "normal", trying on head scarves together and having a good chuckle. Friends deliver lasagnas with about an inch of cheese on the top that tastes like a little bit of heaven and is simply wonderful. People reach out and with their actions and words say - "Hang in there. We love you. You can do this." And we can do this. Each of us is wired up to do whatever it is we are doing. Perhaps we could let go of some of the fringe busy things and make life a little more simple. But we can bite the bullet and rely on each other and the wonderful support of "community" - those people in our lives who hold our hands. So today we will put our heads down and move forward. We ask each other to pray for the things we need, hoping in that support for answers from a loving God. We look forward to the "good moments" and squeeze every bit of goodness out of them like a warm bath with Egyptian jasmine salts to make her feel better - restored - renewed.

Thank you for your continued prayers for my most beautiful wife. She will need them more now than ever as she begins this journey to the end of treatment...the end of tiredness...the end of being sick. Know that we appreciate and love each of you for the sacrifices you have made of your time, your food and your prayers. They are appreciated more than you can imagine. We will continue to hold Jesus' hand in this and let Him guide the way. We will tell Him daily about the beautiful friends and family we have and how they are so appreciated. We will see this through to the end and (in tiredness) we will celebrate the good that has touched us on this journey. Peace and grace to each of you as you each walk your own paths... Oh...and could someone pray for this rain to go away?

...a post from Cindi

A tribute to my husband: Since the BC diagnosis, so many things have changed. Life has been interrupted in so many ways, big and small. From being off work, (big change) to struggling on some days to just make a cup of tea, my daily life has its ups and downs. However, there has been one constant along the way: the love and support of my husband. He has told me over and over again "I am here with you. I am not going anywhere." And then he sets about the many tasks that I can't do on certain days. That cup of tea to settle my roiling stomach? Made. Floor needs vacuuming? No problem. Dusting, preparing for visitors, making meals, walking the dogs.... All done with such love and tenderness and concern. I worry about the big load he is shouldering between the demands of work, home and now caring for a spouse with serious limitations some days....and I am so grateful he is here. What would I do without this wonderful guy?! So please join me today in sending him some encouraging words...Cindi

a note from Cindi

Reached the halfway point in treatment today. 4 down, 4 to go. Each one gets more challenging to manage: more nausea, severe heartburn, really really tired a lot. And my eyes have been affected too. BUT the doc has provided more meds to help alleviate the discomforts along the way. So I am hopeful that this latest treatment will be better than the last one, if only because I can keep myself better hydrated. As I was walking the dogs through a meadow tonight, I couldn't help but marvel at this thought: Emmanuel, God with us. As I struggle through this season of my journey, I am comforted by the knowledge that God "gets" my infirmities, and is my source of strength in my hour of need.

I love how Paul puts it in Hebrews 4: "14 Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven,[f] Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. 16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Thanks so much for your support, encouraging notes, visits, food... The love shared with us in this way is an expression of God's grace to Pete and I.

One Tough Lady!!

So, yesterday (Tuesday) Cindi heads off to the hospital with her sister for her blood tests and her meeting with her oncologist and nurse and updates. She shares with them that she's been very nauseous through this last two weeks and experiencing tons of heartburn with water drinking and a little dehydrated. They asked her why she hadn't called in and she said simply - because. They asked some more questions and then asked Cindi to describe what would be a really bad day - one where she might call in to the hospital. Cindi replied, "That would be when I am constantly at the toilet throwing up all day."

The nurse and doctor were amazed at Cindi's stamina, and her perseverance through some tough and uncomfortable side effects and not complain. They said her tolerance levels were amazing! When asked if she was using her backup meds to work with the side effects Cindi said no. She had done some studies on some of those back up meds and doesn't want the side effects they can result in (weird tics or a tongue sticking out). She says that facial tic and protruding tongues are a deal breaker for her. Both the nurse and the oncologist smiled and said that she had an amazing attitude to this whole process and they were very impressed with what a tough lady she is! They usually take blood on the Tuesday before chemo. Now as you may remember, Cindi has a portacath under the skin that they use to access her veins for blood draws and chemo giving. Well the portacath was plugged up and wouldn't work. They did some x-rays and then used a chemical (they described it as a type of human grade "drano" to unplug it and get back to business. It worked. I wasn't paying full attention to Cindi when she said they used drano on her and I nearly came out of my skin but she explained it was not drano but drano-like and safe for humans. I need to learn to listen better.

My poor amazing wife! Poked, prodded, stuck with needles, x-rayed, cat-scanned and filled with strange concoctions. So brave, so wonderfully strong. So amazing!!! Please, if you feel up to it, pause and pray for Cindi today as she gets her fourth chemo (the last of the first round and a special halfway milepost in the journey). Peace and grace to you on the road you are on.

Fall is here!

Fall is definitely here and the weather cooling down. I've blown leaves off my yard and deck several times and off the roof of our home (cottage) twice. Crazy but I like it. Cindi has been tired by the end of each afternoon. She's a real trooper and right now looks like someone who is running a fifty kilometre race and is at kilometre marker 22. She's got her head down and is pushing forward. It's still hard to stand beside her as she does this road but...there's nowhere else I would want to be right now.

Had an awesome few hours with Matt and Chels and the kids last Saturday as went out to collect some pumpkins and have some fun together. These little trips are important to Cindi and family has become so precious. Making memories one event at a time. Running the race one day at a time. Praying and walking in "the way".

Today is a good day!

Today is a good day. Cindi is feeling better and the kids, our kids and grandchildren came over for a visit. Just thought I'd share a bit about our kids. Here they are.

Chris, Chelsea, Finn, Matt and Ireland

Ireland Chelsea and Jessica

Jason and Jessica

Finn

Ireland... It's wonderful to have family and to feel the love that sits in the middle of all of that. Nothing quite compares. This is something we are incredibly thankful for! Peace.

Sharing something from a friend

Today a good friend of mine, Joanna, shared a video with me that simply reminded me of a truth that I believe we all need to remember. I know some of you are going to be, are or have been parents. This one is for you...but I believe it is applicable to so many more aspects of our lives as well. http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=Xgj-I1dDubA&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DXgj-I1dDubA%26feature%3Dyoutu.be God is good and faithful and worthy. Although it is difficult to allow Him to be in charge - I believe it is the only way every time all the time...that is, if you believe.

3rd time is not a charm but...we are THANKFUL

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! This is the season to harvest and enjoy the fruits of that harvest. The turkeys are fat and roasting slowly in ovens. The potatoes are big and crisp. The stuffing and gravy fills the house with scents strong enough to bring the whole neighbourhood over. It is a time of celebration, of family and of thanks. We are just past the the 3rd chemo and this one has not been a charm. Cindi felt this one harder than the last two. Nausea is stronger and more frequent, tiredness and sickness are prevalent and it is simply hard to get up and about. It's obviously going to get harder before it gets better. I must admit I'm tired of seeing my wife being beat up by these chemicals. I feel helpless to do anything to make a difference for her and I am struggling to simply handle her journey and not be demotivated and devastated by it all. I simply don't want her to have to do this. This was nothing we were prepared for and it is hard!

But we are thankful. I feel the prayers of our friends. Cindi feels them too. In the helplessness, we are discovering things like humility and brokenness and realizing that these are OK - actually these are good. It is only in the darkness that we are aware of the light and I it is only in the brokenness that we perceive the healer. I am thankful for this journey but I admit I would step off this path in a heartbeat if I thought it was the right thing to do. I am thankful for the beautiful wife I have that makes me whole but I am struggling deeply with the fact that she has to suffer through this chemo. I guess right now I am clearly working at being thankful and I hope that is OK with God. I realize that the time we have here is a gift and although, in our house, it kind of stinks right now, I will take this gift - this time with and love I feel for Cindi, the beautiful prayers and songs that were sung this morning at church, the wonderful caring comments and hugs from my community - I will take these gifts. I will cherish these right beside the struggles and the tough stuff.

If anything, we are learning what it means to pick up a cross. It's not easy. It comes with a price. It means we have to follow this Jesus that loves us and leads us down incredibly tough trails at times. We're ready for some healing for Cindi and some rest for our souls but...not yet...that will come. We are thankful for all of you, for your prayers, for the meals dropped off here and the short visits and phone calls with Cindi. We are thankful for a family that loves us out loud. And (deep breathe) we are thankful for this rough pathway and the need to walk down it. I pray He forgives my weaknesses and continues to give us strength to get through it. I believe He will and that is good enough. One day at a time. Following Jesus is hard and yet - so frighteningly beautiful!

Pics of the 3rd Chemo

Today was treatment three of eight - almost half way! First order of business we hydrate. The more water you can take in for the 24 hours before, the better the handling of the chemo. So glug glug!

Then we park in the VIP parking at the Hospital and check in. Very not exciting...

Then we sit in an incredibly not exciting (yawn) waiting area...wait for it...

Finally into the suite or cafe if you will

And then the Maitre Di - o sorry - the nice nurse in charge of us greets us, asks a few silly questions and then asks Cindi if she would like a lounge chair or a bed. Today was bed-kind-of-day so she settled down in a beauty of a single hospital bed with her trusty husband sitting at her side.

Then the Chemo...

Of course it wouldn't be right without Cindi giving me one of her, "Can you stop taking silly pictures!" looks. And then we are done. We are so grateful for the doctors and systems set up at Grand river Hospital which we have affectionately renamed - The Chemo Cafe.

And then it is a return home, to be greeted by our crazy pack of boys (Jake, Harley and Sam). You'd think we'd been gone for a month but it is good to be missed by our dogs and their affection is so welcome. Returning home Cindi found a mailed gift of scarves from friends in St Catherines and then another friend and daughter from Kitchener dropped off some more soup for the meals along the way. Such a unique experience. Such a surprise to be finding ourselves driving to a hospital for this kind of treatment for this elusive (yet tangible now) thing called cancer. Never expected to be here. Never wanted to be here. But we are here and once again I am amazed by the grace and resilience of my beautiful wife. At the hospital we ran into a friend from church who is on her own similar journey. We also bumped into our neighbours who are travelling a similar road. A strange day of cancer comrades. Is God at work in the midst of this? No doubt. We feel the care and the friendships. We now sit at home and Cindi is shouting out funny things to me that she is reading from her facebook page. I do love her so. Check out the new scarf. Peace and grace to each of you on your own roads.