Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Looking Beyond

Today I am officially one month post-treatment! I think I am beginning to see some 'green shoots' of improvement: today I got up, and was able to walk with less pain. This is a first since the arrival of the neuropathy in December, so I was pretty excited this morning. I was even able to take all 4 dogs out for a long walk, and while my feet were pretty sore by the time I got back, it was worth it to enjoy the time outside again. My hands are still quite painful, but I am hopeful that the bursts of tingling and achy bones are signs that the nerves are beginning to regenerate. I still feel fatigued, but am able to cut back on the medications, so at least I am not quite as drugged. (Sixteen pills each day has proven a bit much, so I am relieved if I can get by with fewer meds to manage my symptoms). Small steps towards improvement have helped to keep things on a positive note, but it is a discipline to stay focussed on the improvements rather than getting impatient with the slow pace of recovery. As I was walking with the dogs, snow fell in large fluffy flakes around us, and it gave me time to contemplate the simple joy of being able to move more freely even for such a short distance. The stroll reminded me of the passage in Hebrews 12, where Paul compares our lives to the experience of running a race. His language in these chapters acknowledges that the race is sometimes hard; he speaks of persevering, of not growing "weary or faint-hearted." Instead of focussing on how hard the journey is, he exhorts his readers to remember they are surrounded by a "crowd of witnesses" - folks who have lived lives of faithful service and who have gone on to heaven. Paul draws a picture of those faithful saints, watching us as we tough it out here, and reminds us that we have a crowd cheering us on with each step. I began to think about the many friends and family who suffered hardship while they lived here, and then died - but were faithful despite the struggles and pain. As I walked my menagerie today, I recalled by name and face those who touched my life, and have passed away due to accident or illness. Relatives, friends, neighbours...Rather than feeling sorrowful, I actually enjoyed the memories of these dear ones, and considered the legacy they left with me. I could recount the suffering that each one experienced - whether from lung cancer, or leukaemia, or a host of various illnesses or accidents - or even political persecution of those overseas. Their own journeys provide examples of faithfulness in the midst of adversities of all kinds. It was humbling to consider these personal histories, and helps me to frame my own experience in a positive light. Someday, we will swap tales! We will remember together the challenges, and celebrate that in the midst of it all, none of us was ever alone, and that we experienced God's faithfulness with each faltering step along the way. Paul also reminds us that the key to completing the race is to look beyond: to see the rewards that await us, whether we stumble along, or run freely, on the path laid before us. Sometimes, I grow impatient and wonder why the neuropathy clings to my hands and feet - but my impatience is tempered when I look beyond this "momentary affliction" and consider the future. Somewhere, someday, I will be free of the pain and able to return to my life, fully healed. When I wonder why God has put my feet on a path called "cancer," I have to look beyond by trusting that He will equip me with the tools I need to make the journey. As I begin to look for His presence in the midst of the struggle, only then do I enjoy the grace and peace to be found in waiting on his healing touch. Until "then" - the end of this pathway through cancer - I can only give thanks, recalling with gratitude the blessings provided by so many faithful friends and family along the way! "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or faint-hearted....Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed." (Hebrews 12)

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Pathetic Fallacy

A "pathetic fallacy" is a literary device, whereby the author uses the weather to reflect the mood of the protagonist. My recovery has been very much reflected by the changes in weather as of late. Some days I feel brighter, a bit more energetic - like the sunny, crisp winter days we have had. On an "up" note, I am seeing my hair come back. Funny, I was more excited to see the return of my eyebrows than anything else. That little bit of definition on my face makes me feel less like a cancer patient, and more like myself! But the sunny days are often punctuated by grey weather and strong winds. As some of you know, my last day of treatment was overshadowed by a potential new lump. Talk about a swift moving storm! It took my breath away to realize how little control anyone really has over this situation. Thankfully, that gale blew over quickly, as the ultrasounds revealed nothing of concern. A more lingering shadow comes in the form of the peripheral neuropathy (nerve damage) that continues to plague me. This is likely to fade over time... so it requires ongoing patience. I have not seen any significant improvement since it arrived 10 weeks ago. In order to help me with the pain/tingling/burning in my hands and feet, I have been prescribed a long list of medications: sixteen pills a day. So the February/March winter weather truly reflects the ups and downs of recovery. Lots of grey, cloudy skies, interrupted by sunshine at times. Getting through this period of recovery is tough slogging at times. I want to be back on my feet, to return to life as it was before cancer...but there is no rushing this process. All I can do is continue to wait for full healing and trust that the purposes set out for this time in my life will be achieved. The weather of my walk continues to be unpredictable, and I can only kneel in submission to the One who is the source of strength, step by step. "The Eternal should be honored and revered; He has heard my cries for help. The Eternal is the source of my strength and the shield that guards me. When I learn to rest and truly trust Him, He send His help. This is why my heart is singing! I open my mouth to praise Him, and thankfulness rises as song. The Eternal gives life and power to all His chosen ones; to his anointed He is a sturdy fortress. Rescue your people, and bring prosperity to your legacy, may they know you as a shepherd, carrying them at all times." (Psalm 28, 6 - 9, The Voice).