Down to the Nitty Gritty Today is one of those days. Nothing seems easy, not even finding keys or getting cars on the road this morning! We are feeling the strain of this journey very keenly in the last few weeks. Perhaps it is because both i am impatient to move forward in my recovery. it is difficult to have to wait for so many things to sort themselves out. Physically i am moving forward, yes, but it is SLOW GOING and at times follows a pattern of one step forward, two steps back. There is damage in my system from chemo that lingers, making my bones achy and joints sore. The worst is the pain in my feet, which hinders my walking. i can get around, but often at a slow pace, or a downright shuffle if i have been on my feet too much. Last week the folks at the gym slowed down my workout plans here at home, concerned that i might be pushing my heart too hard. So I was banned from the elliptical for a few weeks until my system strengthens. Not a happy conversation, but i have not touched the home gym since. And then there are the daily trips to the hospital. Believe me it is humbling to walk so slowly and gingerly down the hospital corridors, and watch seniors with canes pass me. Really? Sigh. So i look for the green shoots of recovery to encourage me. My hair continues to come back, but it is much more silver than when it left. Hmmm. Kinda indicative of the strain this journey has been both physically and emotionally. My husband, bless his heart, shares so much of this anxiety. He told a dear friend the other day that he is "sick and tired of seeing his wife sick and tired." in some ways, i think this has been harder on Pete. The rest of my life shut down so i could focus on my medical concerns, giving me more space to get through this. But for him, nothing else shifted: he still goes to work each day, trying to cope with the day-to-day demands of ministry, maintaining all those relationships, managing details, supporting staff, parents and students. And then there are the simple realities of home where his wife just... can't. So he picks up that slack too. All very willingly. All with good humour and a loving spirit. But as he does all this, there is the constant drain on his spirit and his heart. There is not much margin in his life these days, and that takes a toll. As we pray, and trust God, we are still oh-so-aware of our humanness. We are frail and inadequate to this task! So as we walk this pathway, we both get weary. We are indeed fragile "jars of clay" and "hard pressed on every side." We are "perplexed" sometimes at the whys of this experience... and yet choose to live by faith that we will be neither "crushed" nor left in " despair." This morning i am taking a deep breath, and reaffirming that Pete and will not be "abandoned... struck down..." or "destroyed" by this experience of cancer. (2 Cor. 4:7-9).