3rd time is not a charm but...we are THANKFUL

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! This is the season to harvest and enjoy the fruits of that harvest. The turkeys are fat and roasting slowly in ovens. The potatoes are big and crisp. The stuffing and gravy fills the house with scents strong enough to bring the whole neighbourhood over. It is a time of celebration, of family and of thanks. We are just past the the 3rd chemo and this one has not been a charm. Cindi felt this one harder than the last two. Nausea is stronger and more frequent, tiredness and sickness are prevalent and it is simply hard to get up and about. It's obviously going to get harder before it gets better. I must admit I'm tired of seeing my wife being beat up by these chemicals. I feel helpless to do anything to make a difference for her and I am struggling to simply handle her journey and not be demotivated and devastated by it all. I simply don't want her to have to do this. This was nothing we were prepared for and it is hard!

But we are thankful. I feel the prayers of our friends. Cindi feels them too. In the helplessness, we are discovering things like humility and brokenness and realizing that these are OK - actually these are good. It is only in the darkness that we are aware of the light and I it is only in the brokenness that we perceive the healer. I am thankful for this journey but I admit I would step off this path in a heartbeat if I thought it was the right thing to do. I am thankful for the beautiful wife I have that makes me whole but I am struggling deeply with the fact that she has to suffer through this chemo. I guess right now I am clearly working at being thankful and I hope that is OK with God. I realize that the time we have here is a gift and although, in our house, it kind of stinks right now, I will take this gift - this time with and love I feel for Cindi, the beautiful prayers and songs that were sung this morning at church, the wonderful caring comments and hugs from my community - I will take these gifts. I will cherish these right beside the struggles and the tough stuff.

If anything, we are learning what it means to pick up a cross. It's not easy. It comes with a price. It means we have to follow this Jesus that loves us and leads us down incredibly tough trails at times. We're ready for some healing for Cindi and some rest for our souls but...not yet...that will come. We are thankful for all of you, for your prayers, for the meals dropped off here and the short visits and phone calls with Cindi. We are thankful for a family that loves us out loud. And (deep breathe) we are thankful for this rough pathway and the need to walk down it. I pray He forgives my weaknesses and continues to give us strength to get through it. I believe He will and that is good enough. One day at a time. Following Jesus is hard and yet - so frighteningly beautiful!