Goodbye hair!

So here's a pic of Cindi this summer with a full head of hair. This is her at the beginning of this unique journey basically. It's strange how our "look" is something that has been really drilled into us by our culture and the people around us. How important is it...really? There's a shot in the right hand column of the halfway "cute" haircut that Cindi got a few weeks ago in preparation for the chemo induced hair loss to come. It was fun and an interesting conversation with the girls at the hairdressor when they found out why she wanted what she wanted.

Today Cindi sent me a photo of a huge hairball and said that the journey had begun for real. I was shocked and a little startled when I saw the amount of hair that had come out. By the time I got home, this was the hairball that was waiting for me. I'm not sure how to feel about it all. We've been prepared for this but once again i am reminded in a very tangible way, that my wife is on a very tough road and the treatments she is receiving a very serious. It's a hard truth for me and I would prefer that this was not happening to the woman I love so much.

So, this evening Cindi decided to take the reins a bit and asked me to shave her head. the fallout is happening earlier than we expected and tomorrow is round 2 of the Chemo. After tomorrow there will be several recovery days again and perhaps not the best days to be having your hair fall out all over the place or try to have a haircut then. I am so proud of my wife and so affected by this journey. I'm constantly talking to God about her and about life....and underneath all that fluffy curly hair, once again I found the beautiful woman that I fell in love with years ago. This is my beautiful Cindi, brave and steadfast, and frankly, still so gorgeous. Look at those eyes.
We appreciate your prayers as Cindi enters round 2 tomorrow. One day at a time. Image means nothing and we will endure and hold His hand in the midst of the mess.

Wise words from Michael Hyatt

Hyatt's words italicized.

In life we all know that bad things simply happen on a regular basis. We get upset, angry and frustrated through them but perhaps there is a bigger question we can ask. Of course we can ask why me?... or why did this have to happen? Or we could ask...

“What does this experience make possible?”

Do you see the subtle shift? Suddenly, your attention moves from the past—which you can’t do a thing about—to the future.

It is also an acknowledgment that nothing happens by chance. Everything has a purpose. Even the bad things can have a positive impact, when we open our hearts and accept them as “part of the plan.”

The bottom line is this: you can’t always choose what happens to you. Accidents and tragedies happen. But you can choose how you respond to those situations. One of the best ways to begin is to ask yourself the right question.

Question: Consider a negative situation in your life. Ask yourself, “What does this experience make possible?“

Mysteries unveiled

Chemo or chemical therapy was a huge mystery to us and some of it still is. On the way to the chemo centre the first time I let Cindi know that I expected her to be locked in a glass room, lots of machinery sparking and fog and stuff, her banging at the door to get out - then silence and eventually her coming through the door looking like a female version of the Hulk. This did not happen.
There were nice soft reclining chairs, crackers and juice and pop, nice people working there and loads of others receiving their treatments as well.
This first round (4 sessions) of chemo happens in 2 parts. It's called AC - the A standing for one long winded drug name and the C for another. One goes in via 3 large needles full of what looks like red koolaid and the other is a small bag that is hung on one of those cool hospital hangy things and slowly drips into the saline going into Cindi's arm. There's also a steroid added. Lots of drugs! I guess this is one time we don't say no to drugs. There's day before drugs, day of drugs and 3 day after drugs all to deal with the main event drugs going in. There's also the little $2300 syringe of booster juice drug (I call it) that works on her white blood cells and boosts her immune system the day after. Pretty darn amazing if you ask me.
The side effects of each drug can be kind of brutal but Cindi has been a real trooper. We are at day 11 today after the first chemo event and she's doing pretty well. This week she had more cat scans, some radioactive drinks to help those along as well as a day surgery to put in a porta-cath ( a little plastic bulb put under her skin in her chest to allow blood to be taken from and the drug administered to without the necessity of needle after needle in the arms) My wife looks like a war veteran at times, tired and sore and bandaged up...but this too shall pass.
Then, of course, there's the mystery of God and prayer in the midst of this. Some people are praying for strength and endurance for us. Some are praying for healing. Some people don't know what to pray for. It's a bit of a mystery talking with the Creator of the Universe about stuff like this.
Cindi and I have talked to many people about our position with God in this. We want to celebrate Him in our lives no matter what. This suffering has drawn us and others closer to Him - and this is good. Some people believe that if they pray enough, or the right way or with a specific focus, healing and miracles will happen. Some people believe that prayer simply doesn't work - that God doesn't hear our prayers or that God isn't even there. Everyone believes in something and we are grateful for all prayers.

We choose to believe in God and in His sovereignty over our lives. What does that mean? For us it means that if Cindi gets better we will be thankful for that and wonder what he has in store for the next part of our journey. For us it also means if she doesn't get better we will be thankful for that and His grace and mercy and the privilege to love Him in the midst of the suffering, letting others know that it is not just the answer to prayer that we praise Him for but simply the privilege to love Him along this road.
Do we pray? Yes we do. We ask Him to forgive us and to know how grateful we are for this life, for His son, for His love and for the privilege of loving Him while we're on this earth. This hard road has helped us to gain perspective in that. Come what may, we will praise Him till our dying breathe - be that sooner or later. We choose to live in His grace and love. How about you?

perspective in the mess

Yesterday was our "kick-off" event at our church. It was an awesome day! I was really content being a part of a community that is pulling together so well in the midst of some drastic changes. That is something I really celebrate.
I think that it is in the midst of turmoil that people's true colours can be seen. I saw our leaders step up and make some great decisions and lead so well. I watched as youth and parents began the journey of this season, focused on their children, celebrating their leaders and clearly grasping the vision for our youth who will be discipled into a world that so drastically needs the hearts of Jesus expressed through them...and through us.
The "mess' can be something we avoid at all cost. We might smooth it over, we might hope it simply goes away. We may avoid and complain and worry ourselves into or a frenzy - or - we might step into it relying on the grace and love that is ours.
I was talking with my friend Ralph yesterday after a presentation and we spoke briefly about perspective. In this season of mess, it becomes very clear what is important and what is not. My love and affection for Cindi has become crystal clear. My love and affection for Jesus, the leader of my church and Lord of my life, has become crystal clear. It is scary to think that in the midst of turmoil, it is then I can have some clarity of purpose and once again see the paths I am asked to go down. So be it.
This is the journey. This is Kingdom walking at it's finest. In a broken world where I can share brokenness with others I welcome the clarity of clear perspective.
May each of us find our own turmoil and, in turn, the clarity of reliance on God. May each of us suffice with His grace. I believe it is an ocean of grace He bathes us in ... so let's go for a swim - for a long time.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

A journey with a community

Today was day one of Chemotherapy. Cindi did great and it was a pretty gentle day. Off to the hospital, a chat with the pharmacist and then set up and receive the chemo drugs. She handled everything well and came home at 5pm and ate a meal. I was happy to hear her say on the way home she was hungry. 99 more days to go and 7 more treatments. There's lots to manage around this - pills before, blood tests, base lines, bone scans, heart checks and then the chemo and then pills and symptom management after with more pills and shots. Through all of that she needs to eat well, rest when she needs to and exercise whenever she can. The intensity of it all speaks to the toxicity of the chemicals they are using to combat and residual cancer cells. It sounds scary but today we were strangely calm.
One of the reasons for that - we' think - is the amount of supportive prayer and love we have received from so many family and friends. We have come to realize that we are not alone on this journey and that there are so many standing behind us and advocating for us. For that support, Cindi and I say thank you, thank you so very much.

There is a strength to be found for us in a loving God and a loving group of people who will journey with us. Community is an amazing thing. Nothing about this is a secret and today helped dispel some of the mysteries of chemotherapy for us. One day at time we walk forward. At work this morning , the staff team gathered around and prayed, anointed and shared their hearts for us and for a dear friend Dean, who is on his own tough journey. Once again I felt their hands and heard their voices asking for miracles and for strength. This is not the road we choose. It is hard to walk it. But if He is a lamp for this walk then we follow the light of that lamp and will journey as far as that light leads. Peace.

Knowledge can be a bad thing - or a good thing.

Cindi is on a journey. The tumour has been removed and nothing was found in her lymph nodes but we now move into chemo. Scary insurance to try and lick this thing and ensure that the chances are slim it will ever return again. Now Cindi is a reader (English major) and has learned so much about cancer and treatments it's scary - literally. Not sleeping well and devouring information has been difficult for Cind.

Then along comes some grace. Last night a neighbour came by to chat. She had exactly the same cancer and the same treatment and for over an hour they chatted. Slowly the mystery began to slip away and Cindi settled. Hearing this story was frankly a God-send. She had the first good sleep she's had in days and is now ready to approach the regimen of treatments with more confidence and courage. We are so grateful for our neighbours story. This type of knowledge really helps.
One day at a time. We'll take all the grace we can get.

lessons from Harley

One thing Cindi and I have come to enjoy is rescuing and raising broken dogs. We have three but our biggest challenge has been Harley. The pic above makes him look regal and magnificent. This may be true but in reality he's a big chicken, really messed up from past abuse and we think he thinks he's a chihuahua and a very submissive one at that. We picked him up early January 2012 and he has been with us for 9 months now. About $2000 in vet fees for a severe cut on his foot, $400 x-rays on his hips and regular cartrafin shots $500 total for issues was a bit of a wake up call. To date he has eaten two couches $1000, 3 pairs of Pete's shoes $250, Cindi's school issued blackberry $400, the TV and the satellite remotes $200, a wall $? and a bit of our Queen size bed $800. To say he is relaxing and becoming a 100lb. PUPPY would be an understatement!! However, he's doing so much better and is less afraid of people.
Some people have said to me - get rid of the dog! Too expensive! Some people just think we're nuts...and at times I agree. But we do love our 3 canines and they bring us great joy and comfort. They will be Cindi's constant companions through her chemotherapy and that is very good.



But back to "el destructor". The lesson that Harley has taught us is that we need to stay the course once we're on it (caring for and restoring a beautiful animal that was severely abused) and hold on to things loosely. If you visit us, you will find a beautiful property on the edge of a river with a not-so-gently used cottage where we live. One couch has a blanket on it (for the aforementioned reasons) The other couch (more severely eaten) sits outside waiting for the trip to the dump. TV and Satellite are accessed by hand - not remote. There are dogs toys everywhere on a regular basis. Strangely though, we are content.



We don't worry about the damage. We simply train him to go easy, to feel loved and to choose a toy over the furniture or electronics. No anger or hitting or loud discipline. Frankly the couches and TV etc. are just not that important and will be replaced in time.
In a culture where stuff is number one and what we own defines who we are, we choose not to live there. Things are replaceable. Harley has most definitely taught us that. There is a pleasure in not worrying (Matt.6) There is a different rhythm to being OK with less and not sweating the small stuff. Harley's sad story is one of dog fighting and being used to bait the fighting dogs. It is one of abuse by handlers and people killing dogs to make money. His final chapter could have happened when he was chained to a tree in the woods and left to die. But someone found him. He was such a terrified giant when he arrived. Once we knew his story it was easier to forgive him this newfound puppy stage and enjoy watching him grow into a magnificent gentle giant. Perhaps this is what it means to have dominion over - translated loosely - to care for and restore. Perhaps this is how God feels about us and the things we do, and He is so quick to forgive and extend grace and forgiveness when it isn't deserved. Why would't we do the same?



Struggle with stuff? Is it important to have or is it important to simply let things go if needs be? My share here is that it certainly feels amazingly freeing to let go and relax around the "things" we have. Thoughts? We're just living on the river, struggling on a journey and trying to understand grace and kingdom living...